her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
