he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
