is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
