I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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