I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
