happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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