Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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