Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
