There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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