The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
