if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Rumble strips road head = magical
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
