im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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