guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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