I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
