my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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