Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
