Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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