why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
