hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
