I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
