So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
