Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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