you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
