I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
