I must be too annoying 4 u.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
