Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
