Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
