Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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