Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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