So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
