This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
