and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
