I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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