Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
