AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
