Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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