I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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