Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
