I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
