My sheets look like a crime scene.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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