Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
