Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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