i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
