just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
