she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
