I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
