Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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