Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
