just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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