The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
