my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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