Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
